I get by with a little help from my friends.

Since my diagnosis and hospitalizations I have often had people ask me how I am doing. It is always such a loaded question, like, where do I begin? How much do they know? How much do they want to know? Should I be honest, or should I act like I am doing good?

            Most of the time I say something along the lines of, “I am hanging in there.” or, “today is a good day.” I just figure no one wants to hear, “Well, I threw up all night and I haven’t pooped in a week, but enough about me, how’s the family doing, Susanne?” Turns out, people don’t just ask this question to take up time. They genuinely want to comprehend how I am doing and what they can do for me. I learned this when recently a friend asked how I was doing and I replied with, “I am feeling so much better.” She then turned to me without skipping a beat and said, “Okay, thanks for accommodating me. How are you really doing?”

            I paused and just let it roll. I may have rolled it too eagerly because pretty soon I was a sobbing mess, but my friend didn’t falter or awkwardly change the subject. She listened. She sympathized. And the surprising part was she thanked me for being authentic because then she was better able to understand my needs. It was there that I was realized that being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak; it makes you stronger for being genuine.

            The other thing I have learned is that people want to help, people want to be needed. I have seen this countless times as I have watched my tribe of family, friends, acquaintances and strangers have offered their love and assistance. This has been a very humbling experience for me…to say the least. I have always wanted to do things myself. I have a really hard time asking for help. I would almost rather serve everyone around me before asking someone to lighten MY load. I always thought like asking for help made me inferior, but then I would get upset when some of my friends kindly refused my help when I offered. By the way, why is this a problem with women? It seems like men easily can text someone, “hey bro, wanna help me move my whole house this Saturday? K, cool.”

            After my incident happened and I was on the long road to recovery I literally could not do certain things. I have felt so much love for people who jumped right in to fulfill the things I could no longer do.

            I feel love as I watch people deliver dinner to Peyton and Samantha. I feel love as I see a whole ward of mothers look after my children when I am in the hospital. I felt love as my new friend, a cosmetologist, came to my home to wash, cut and style my hair the night I got home from the hospital. I felt love as my friend came to the hospital armed with girls night in activities and proceeded to curl my  hair and paint my nails. I have felt love as people have sent baby blankets, get well soon cards, inspiring books and beautiful flowers. I felt love as I have been given countless priesthood blessings from so many willing men. I feel love when my daughter shouts to me as I am laying down, “I hope you  feel better!” I have felt overflowing love as I have watched my mother, father, and in-laws dedicate months and months of traveling to Florida to help us. I feel love as a friend has been doing my laundry. I felt love when our friends came and spent their vacation watching my kids, cleaning my house and running errands for me. I felt love when a few days after my surgery my husband carried me into the hospital shower and washed my injured body, completely drenching his fully clothed body in the process.

            I often have thought about this whole situation as a nightmare and an experience that impaired my life within a few minutes. I have recently started to try and shift my thinking to all of the incredible blessings that I have seen and the love I have felt as this has transpired. Had this never have happened I never would have become closer to my husband, my parents, my sister, Peytons coworkers, my new friends and fellow church members.

            If you are struggling with a difficult situation, may I share with you what I am starting to slowly learn? There is good.  Find it. Hold onto it and try and grasp it when you feel like you can’t go on another minute. Feel love as people administer service for you. A nurse in the hospital shared something with me when I was being discharged and overwhelmed at the thought of recovery. She said, “Someone asked me if I could eat an elephant.” Of course, I replied, “No!” To which they told me, “You could…one small bite at a time.”

            Remember, the Lord has not given you more than you we handle. These trials and hardships will make you so much stronger in the future. I know this can be difficult to hear when you just want to curl up in a ball and sulk in self-loathing. But, I know that you (and all of us!) were not sent to earth to be miserable.

            So if you are going to walk away with anything from this post; let it be this. Be vulnerable. Ask for help, feel love through the help and look for the good. I know you can do it!

A Farewell to China

At this very moment I am sitting here on the couch as 5 Chinese men are in my living room assembling boxes to ship all my items home. Home has always been America, however for the past 2 1/2 years this has been my home. China has made me feel so unfamiliar and uncomfortable at times I have had to work extra hard at making my house feel like a home. Because we are so far away from family, the individuals that we have gotten close to have become our Shanghai family. Which makes this whole process of moving back seem extremely bittersweet. 

Let me take you back to my flight leaving LAX to move here. I was a freaking wreck. I had been crying for 3 days straight with nerves and apprehension of taking this big step into a new country and culture that I didn't quite understand or relate to. I was 16 weeks pregnant, nervous, scared, unsure and I couldn't stop crying because I wasn't extremely excited about this new adventure. 

Of course, Peyton thought this was a great opportunity to capture this Kodak moment and I am kind of glad he took this. It reminds me that although we sometimes think things are difficult and testing all our limits, we end up growing and progressing because of them. Little did I know at the time that all of those apprehensions and fears would be worth it and I would grow in ways I never would have in America. 

There have been so many good times and happy memories that we have had here in China. Holidays were especially hard here because China does not celebrate a lot of our traditional holidays. At this time of the year I would get especially homesick as I watched family and friends through social media celebrating Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Cesar Chavez day. (But seriously, I truly missed that holiday.) The holidays ended up being extra special because we made a big deal out of them to compensate for us not being home for them. We searched all of Shanghai to find a Turkey (that cost 1/2 our months salary) we bought insane amounts of fireworks, we celebrated Christmas 2 months out of the year (because we wanted to!) and we introduced one another to family traditions. 

Another thing that kept my heart happy and my smile big was the all the girl time! I looked forward to those lunches for one another's birthdays, date nights, craft nights, baby showers, pedicures, playgroups, girls trips, etc. If any of us were having a Shanglow day we reached out to the group threads for support and scheduled a girls time ASAP. This is also where I really discovered the power and strengths of girlfriends. We all love our husbands and our children but sometimes all you need is a girl to give you sympathy, encouragement, or a pep talk. And all of these can be done over a cinnamon roll. These friendships were essential here and I wish I could put all these lovely ladies in each of my suitcases. 

And the kiddies! Can't forget them. They have become so close. We have watched them connect, play, fight, hug, learn and grow together. I don't know what Samantha would've done without her friends. 

Another memory is date nights...Having Ayi every Saturday night has given us the opportunity to go out without Samantha and enjoy seeing Shanghai. This involved great restaurants, adventures and often group and double dates. We are going to miss our weekly date nights so much! 

And sometimes we even go to North Korea on our date nights!

I can't talk about living in China without mentioning the experiences that we have had here. This place is unlike any other place. There is always something happening. I have loved living in the heart of the city where the skyscrapers never sleep. Everyday I see something new and I am constantly surprised or intrigued (and sometimes shocked) by the things that I see or witness. It always gives us something to discuss around the dinner table. "You'll never believe what I saw today..." "And then the taxi driver said..." "When I went to the market..." These daily adventures kept us on our toes and made the experience all the more fun. 

For the record, Samantha has no idea who this man is...and I don't either. 

 We have had an amazing time here in Shanghai. We have been fortunate enough to travel to destinations where we learned about cultures we had never heard of and were able to enjoy the Lords beautiful earth. We met people who enriched our lives and made our experience here fulfilling and enjoyable. I know I am excited to get back to an easier way of living, having a car to drive, being able to speak English and moving back to family. But, with the difficult times, I have learned of my individual strength. I can roll with the punches, adapt to new cultures, experiences and handle trials. I am positive that coming to China was not a coincidence. The Lord knew that I needed to grow and learn how to handle change more effectively. I will forever be grateful for this experience because it showed me a different way of life and it stretched my perspective. 

 The Chinese men have now officially finished packing up our belongings and we are getting closer to heading back to America. As I walk around my empty house I am flooded with memories that will stay with me for a lifetime. I am leaving China, but Shanghai will always have a sweet spot in my heart, right there next to all the people we have become friends with.

So, Zàijiàn  (再见) Shanghai! We will miss you--

 Thanks for letting us call you home.